What a girl wants

I had a picture for myself where I get up in the morning in my big shot apartment in New York, go for a jog, get dressed in the best clothes, carry branded bags and walk out like a boss. I dreamed of going to the best office in the city with everyone hustling around you and managing my work like a professional. (If you have seen this movie ‘Devil wears Prada’ you will get an idea what I am talking about) This was my dream.

But have you ever wondered if everything you have aspired or dreamed about will be enough to make you happy?

For example, getting the best job in the market or marrying the love of your life or achieving those bucket list items you made when you were a kid. We move from one thing to another. Keep running and  keep jumping. I was watching this Ranbir- Deepika movie Tamasha where these two idiots decide to hide their identity and discover this new city as complete strangers where they get a clean slate, no expectations, no judgements, no strings. Is that what we long for? Running away from the reality and pretending to be someone we are not?

Let me give you a background of my story and the reason why I feel this way.

I am an average student. I scored very less in my 12 but I was lucky enough to get a seat in a good engineering college. I promised my parents I will work hard and make them proud but I got a KT (failed one paper) in my second trimester but what hit me was I was the only person in my class to get a KT. That was the first time my parents actually asked me if I was really wanted to go ahead with engineering and I had no answer because like majority, I was clueless about my future. I wanted to make something out of my life but I didn’t know what to do. So, I thought let me give this a try, I worked my ass off in the next trimester and topped in one of the subjects and managed to secure a rank in the top 5 (I am kinda smart :P) and gradually took interest in my field. I was not a coder or technical person but I knew I could talk my way out of viva or project presentations. Our placement season started and I again ended up jobless (because my technical skills were not good). I had hit rock bottom thinking I have just been a big failure, disappointing my parents and myself but I never stopped trying. I used to go for interviews alone, apply everyday and I was working on all my weak areas. FINALLY I GOT A JOB!! It was the shittiest job I had ever done and was nothing compared to the life I wanted but I did it anyway. I used to cry in the train on my way to work thinking I have lost in life and everyday I would say to myself that I am going to quit today. This thing went on for four months until I got an interview call from one of the Big 4s and within a week I was asked to join. So my work had nothing to do with the developer/tester/implementor part but to monitor their process and find the loopholes in them. I loved my job and I had got my dream. I was travelling to a new city every week, I was wearing skirts and formals and heels and everything. I was happy. I had a very good social circle to interact and my life was like my dream (except for the New York part) but after two years I couldn’t bear it. Now again I started crying and whining about my job and everyone around me started to think that this girl can never be happy with what she has. It’s true!

I am a career oriented girl. I knew I had to get a job, work my ass off and spend only when I know I am going to save something (Thanks to my parents) and I am tough like that. But I  I can’t see myself settled with one dream or one position. After two years, I was bored and I wanted to explore something else. I had the best job, colleagues and good money but that wasn’t enough for me and I don’t think any of us should feel settled in their life. I believe that we can’t predict if things are going to work out according to our plan. The hot-shot job made me happy but it didn’t keep me happy after a point of time.

We all grow out of the comfort zone but not all of us are bold or strong to take a step back and understand what’s going wrong.

I am not saying I am a daredevil but I don’t want to escape from reality like Ranbir in Tamasha because I am frustrated but I want to let go of things that don’t make me happy. If you are not happy about something change it, replace it, thrash it but don’t get comfortable with it. If that something is not making you get out of your bed everyday then your time is too precious to waste.

So I hope you live a life you’re proud of. If you find that you’re not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again. Make it count.

P.S.- I have quit my job and I am shifting to Boston for my Masters in August.

Keep Moving! 🙂